Joined: Oct 18, 2011
Tue Oct 18, 2011 1:11 pm
I decided to post my story. So far, I ve tried a lot of things and because some time has already passed, but still no change, I m turning on all of you who can have any suggestions, hints, or just oppinions, that might help. Thanks in advance.
I was always known as a guy with unlimited energy, positive and effective overview, interested in almost everything and everybody, taking care of others, handling with smart ideas and full of confidence. I ve been always trying to do my best, solving unsolved problems. Simply with right sparkle. I had a friendly relationship with MJ since high school, but in that time I smoked just occasionally. But intense. Well, I love MJ a lot, so to speak. 2 years ago-or so- beeing at university- I discovered the true potentional and power of MJ. I ve become all-day-long smoker, having around 5-6 pots a day, in average. The time I was not high could be counted on hours. That period was the best I had, at least productivity-wise, social-wise.. at that time I knew exactly where my entire life was going. MJ was inseparable part of my daily life routine. I loved everithing concerting weed. It has became my lifestyle, witch I loved. But to make the story short, something went wrong..
I had a pretty heavy times in school (lot of learning and so on..), plus I was doing much more things above needed. But still I was having fun while doing my work. I just felt in extreme work mood. The first changes I could remember (as I was thinking back) was I started to have kind of black-out in my head, I ve been standing next to my good friend, and suddenly I felt like I have nothing to say, even I was trying to make a conversation. At that time, I also decided to recude my MJ income down to 2-3 buds per day. Next thing I remember was starting to feel nervous, confused. I felt like I can not think clearly. I couldnt concentrate, hardly remembering something. I just started to feel not good, but counld say whats wrong. (i hope you can follow). Then I had a school task, witch I just couldnt make. I was working on that day-by-day but nothing came out from my head. I starting to be really nervous. After about 2 week I went to my bed, I couldnt fall asleep. Whole f*****g night. I was just lying and my head went crazy. Couldnt stop my thoughts. Next morning I went to school hoping its gonna be fine. It wasnt. I thought maybe its from weed, so after 2 day without sleeping I decided to stop for a while. After beeing up for 5 days in a row, without even one minute of sleeping, I couldnt hold it anymore. I was totally out, couldnt do anything. I was nervous, scared, paranoid, shaking and sweating all the time.
I went to psych.doc. After little conversation and some tests they closed that as a depression caused by burnout syndrome, and put me on SSRI tabs. After couple of weeks my condition got better, I started to sleep, my concentration got better, I stoped to sweat abnormal and didnt have all those agressive panic attacs. But in general I wasnt feel good. I had NO motivation, I couldnt think (feeling like having black-out in my head, no thoughts), and no emotional concern. I only WAS- like a person that exists in vegetaive state. I was off weed, and on meds, and thought its all coz the antidepressant. I was not interested in talking to anybody, even I wanted to. I was just sitting and staring to nowhere. I just couldnt say whats wrong with me and how I felt. Everyday was just the same...I could do and cared about NOTHING. After 6 month(when nothing really changed) I took off antidepressant. I was looking forward, that Ill get back my energy, my will to do things, my inspiration. But..nothing has been changed. For one month I am off meds, and still feeling same. No emotion, no motivation, feeling very empty...
I ve tried some alternative med.discipline, I did excercises, trying to relax.
But I can not enjoy anything, whole entire life suddenly seems so poor, and empty (even I know its not, I just want to feel it). Has anybody dealt with something like this? Might that be really caused by weed, or it was just burnout syndrome. Right now, I m off MJ, coz in a case it was from weed I dont want to make it worse(but i do miss it a lot).
Has anybody any idea how can I get better? Can I get back my wide-emotional-spectrum, enthusiasm, inspiration? Will this last forever? You think its really caused by weed? Anybody has similar experiences? Now its about 6 month off weed, do you think its good idea to get back to smoking (just more moderate way)??
Thank you for reading this, as I said, I tried so many things, so I turn up here on you guys, maybe you have might suggest anything, that will help. I am thankful for any post, hints, idea or comment.