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 Oh man.. another unfinished story View next topic
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2008 11:52 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

The warm summer night's air travelled swiftly and annomously through the thick brush of the woodlands. Crickets chirped their nightly song while the toads croaked somewhere among swamps and streams.
A full moon glowed in the summer night, accompanied by white dots of stars that glistened in the clear black sky.
The moonlight reflected off the murky pond which was as black as coal and held in its depths algae and insects and water creatures. The water lay still in the night, the wind gently stirring an acute wake in one direction, moving a soft tide that skated across the surface in soundless fashion.
Beside the murky pond lay an abandoned shack, a forsaken shelter of enigmatic semblance in the silken moonlight. The roof on the far side from the pond was inverted fiercly inward from the aftermath of a fallen tree. The tree lay rotten against the metal slated roof.
The small square frames that once contained a pane of glass lay empty and purposeless.
The wind blowing from one empty socket, carrying the foul interior stench of rotting materialness out the other.
A tiny metal door from a cage squeals on its hinges as the wind maneuvers through. The gates to the other enclosures remain locked. Savage bite marks on the wire mesh a fragment of a sadistic and forgotten history mislaid in time.
The trees in the surrounding brush sway in accordance to the direction of the wind.
A long forgotten Ford pickup truck sits with creeping mould on it's body, the windshield shattered in a thousand miniscule pieces, scattered and deranged on the filthy dashboard and mould ridden front seats. The exterior paint once a flat black now copper with age and its sustained exposure to the elements.
The lone unlocked cage screeches on its rusty hinges in the darkness of the night. The arcane full circle in the sky, white as snow throws its brilliance through the empty window frame. A square tinge of silver light stretches along the narrow corridor, past the containment cells, dimming with its short distance along the wooden passage way and flowing out the opposite side's empty window frame and into the backwoods, illuminating shrubs and thickets until reaching the strange pond's bank and dematerializing into the ghostly depths of the water.
The shack creaked and groaned from the pressure of the pushing wind making the shelter sound eerily life like as if it were some creature moaning in agony in resistance to the wind.

More to come... For those interested of course!

PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 1:01 am Reply with quoteBack to top

I would say this story has good potential. If it were cleaned up a bit with proper punctuation it would be easier to follow. Another thing I would say is be careful of your diction and tone. Someone who writes a lot would understand that you're trying to convey an almost eery feeling, but what happens is too many words can sometimes overshadow the point you're trying to make, which is an eery tone.
For instance, "The roof on the far side from the pond was inverted fiercly inward from the aftermath of a fallen tree." The sentence structure here could potentially puzzle the audience. You could write: The aftermath of a fallen tree, the roof was fiercely inverted inward. There are many other ways you could do it, but it just helps to keep the audience captive. Here's another sentence that is potentially a great sentence: "The moonlight reflected off the murky pond which was as black as coal and held in its depths algae and insects and water creatures." You could write: In the dark, cloudless sky the moon reflects off the murky pond, a community of algae, insects and water creatures.
I hope you don't take the criticism badly. I think you have talent, but if no one will read what you write talent doesn't go very far. There are students at my college who write a lot worse, and how they got into college I don't know, lol. I will be awaiting part deux.

PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 1:47 am Reply with quoteBack to top

I had a feeling I was trying to capture the feeling too intently. I feel I am using long sentences and not the right words to summarize much of what I want to say. So you say I should minimize the sentences?

Thanks for the help, you write anything yourself?

PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 2:09 am Reply with quoteBack to top

At the moment I'm usually writing an essay per week for Composition, so yes I write a lot, lol. I wrote a lot in high school, but when I started working I stopped writing altogether. Now I'm starting to get back into it and I've even started a book; it's basically a satire, but it gives a glimpse of what life could be like today if religion became the authority again, as it was in the centuries past. The main character is the grandson of a revolutionary, who was killed by the Church. The protagonist's father becomes apathetic after his own fathers death, but when his son turns 18 he tells him about the revolution, about how his grandfather began it and how it dismantled after his death. The main character begins studying all his grandfathers writings and decides to pick up where his grandpa left off. And all of that is about 4 chapters; we'll see how it goes.

PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 2:17 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Shit man, thats awsome. Sounds like an elegant read. I am proud to know somebody with such grammatical knowlege and literature ambition!
At the moment, I seem to not be able to grasp the full extent of these 'independant clauses' as shown in the other post. It's like my brain turned off a cognitive switch. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day. Razz

PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 2:44 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Maybe if you think of it like this. When you read and come to a period, you are supposed to pause. You are allowing time to both, understand the previous sentence and giving way to a new thought (sentence). When there are too many periods in a paragraph the flow is very choppy; to make the paper flow more smoothly we use other forms of punctuation, and not just periods. An independet clause is the technical term for a sentence, it contains a subject, verb and expresses a complete thought. Too many independent clauses makes the flow very choppy, as I stated before, so we make two weak independent clauses and form a strong compound sentence.

My car got a flat tire on my way to school. I still made it on time.
-these are weak independent clauses, so to make everything flow better we form a compound sentence, or we join them together
My car got a flat tire on my way to school, and I still made it on time.
-when using a comma it is usually best to add a coordinating conjunction (and, but, or, so, yet, nor) after it.
My car got a flat tire on my way to school; I still made it on time.
-Usually you'll use a semicolon when there is no connecting words (and, but, therefore, etc.)
My car got a flat tire on my way to school; however, I still made it on time.
-You can use a conjunctive adverb (an adverb that join independent clauses: however, moreover, therefore, otherwise, thus, nevertheless, consequently,etc.) after a semicolon as well to help the flow.

Remember though, try not to go crazy on semicolons. Use them where they are needed. Like the car tire sentence above, if you read the very first one you'll find it doesn't have a good flow to it so we joined them together. Hopefully that explains it better. If you have any other questions feel free to ask. FUCK, my cat just knocked my bong off my desk, lol!

PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2008 12:13 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Thanks, man. I understand more clearly now. I was looking on wikipedia about independant clauses and become confused even more. I don't think I ever paid too much serious attention on english although I passed along decently.

PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2008 2:16 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Oh man, I must admit I did not pay much attention to English in high school either. But if you plan on going to college, take my advice, get this shit down now. I've had to spend many hours up all night to relearn a lot of shit I should have known in high school. Because college professors give you advice, but usually its advice you have to interpret, lol. Like, be more concise, or too many run-on sentences, too many sentence fragments. At first I was like, what the fuck are they talking about.
The other thing is, I have had professors from other classes take points off for not writing at a college level.
A lot of people can't just sit down and teach themselves things; whether they don't have enough patience, or whatever. A lot of people don't have the ability to express their thoughts on paper, they can learn but choose not to. If you read a lot you'll notice that there are a lot of books that get published, and the author can not write worth a damn. Seriously, you see it all the time; every once in a while you see a best-seller sticker on those books too. All it takes is a good idea and the ability to put that idea on paper.
Go here if you're interested:
Intergalactic Toker!
Intergalactic Toker!

Joined: Oct 04, 2005
Posts: 931
Location: Near NYC, New York

PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2008 2:31 am Reply with quoteBack to top

i thankfully learned a lot of this in 7th and 8th grade. and my mom is an english major so i took a lot from that. if you're oging to do something with writing, death's right man you should def. learn that shit now.
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2008 4:17 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

If I were to go to college... It would most likely be to learn a field of technology. I'm assuming a certain level of english would have to be present?

PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2008 6:56 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

If you go to a regular college, then yes. Especially if you're seeking a degree. If you're talking about a technology school, then probably not. There is a required course of study for different majors or degrees, but the maths, sciences, and composition and history will definately be required.
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